they always said that sex would change you...

Some Dresden Dolls lyrics (see subject line) got me thinking about sex. (I've noticed, a lot of things make me think about sex. But that's another matter. Great way to stay awake in lectures though, I'll have you know!)I remember when I was younger, and more innocent. I had never been kissed or properly fancied any real guy. I say real because, of course, I had massive crushes and fantasies about anime characters, book characters, etc. Saiyuki and YYH and Harry Potter were large sources of these very attractive imaginary males.Does anyone remember that phase in their life? Those little fantasies, daydreams, little stories. And for me a lot of it wasn't romance, it was lust-filled and crazy and wild (quite amusing now, considering my lack of experience).But then I encountered real guys. Semi crushes, flings, making out... and after a while, my first proper boyfriend.The boys I used to fantasy about crumpled like the paper they were made of before the real maleness before me. And now that I've been dumped, I just feel kind of sad and lonely. I went through the rebound phase of "finally! it's great to be single and sexy and about town!" and now I just feel... I don't know, actually. Empty. Low. Wondering whether there actually is anyone out there worth my time.An attempt to return to the books that used to be a source of endless comfort was frustrating. Daydreams don't satisfy me any more.I want a guy. But not just a lovesick puppy (trust me, I tried that, and ended up feeling very guilty for using him to clear up any remaining rebound issues). Lovesick puppy type guys... I personally find them a turn off. I don't know why. It's just too easy. I want a challenge. Someone that keeps me on my toes. An attractive bad boy with his left eyebrow pierced (don't ask why, I don't know either) and with amazing skills in bed. Preferably with dark hair and green eyes, but I suppose blond is okay too.I guess I want a lot. But who doesn't? I guess I'm still expecting to find true love... I'm sure you all have similar stories. What are your tricks to being 100% happy and self-confident whilst single?And by the way... if you see my guy, please send him in my direction. ;)

Internet Socializing

I was thinking about one of my friends, who met her current boyfriend on the internet. As far as I understand, she met him online three years ago, and met him on a couple occasions. Now she has moved here and has been physically seeing him for two years.I can’t imagine anything of the sort happening to me. I could not seriously think I was dating somehow if I had never met them, or only met them once or twice. It’s different, perhaps, if a couple already has a long history and is then separated and continues to stay in touch via the net. But meeting on the net? Dating on the net?Why is it that internet dating is so popular? There are a multitude of websites dedicated to finding our exact match. Why would anyone want that? Aren’t opposites supposed to attract?Perhaps, in a more and more franticly paced society, internet dating helps you narrow down potential candidates whilst still giving you a wider pool to fish from.But it is not only dating that is incredibly on the increase on the net. Basic social interaction is increasingly occurring on the internet rather than face to face. Could it be that msn and websites such as facebook, myspace, etc are replacing real social interactions? I wonder whether future generations will spend more time at the computer than outside. Or more probably, will have portable computers in the shape of glasses with which to chat to people in an msn-like style. It could have its bonuses, I suppose... you could message a hot guy crossing the road in front of you!In any case, will future generations be less socially adept? Msn is supposed to mimic real life interaction, and is constantly being remodelled to be more interactive, such as the addition of new smileys, winks, display pics, games, etc.Think about it though, how many of the developers of msn software are successfully socially? I don’t mean to be conditioned by stereotypes, but most of the programmers I’ve met are introverted. Anyway, whatever additions they make, they cannot recreate the real thing, but only a simulation of it. Is a simulation good enough?In some cases, it seems to be. Many people, myself included, have made friends over the internet, people I’ve never met but share interests or passions with. Is the friendship real? Can it be considered a friendship if you hide your own identity, your name, often even your own face. But although people hide their identity to their nameless internet friends, they spill out their darkest innermost secrets. Why is it easier to confide in people you've never met? They can judge you just like any other person. Is it simply because you know they can’t judge you to your face? They can’t speak to people you know, and tell them what they heard?Are internet friends ears with no mouths?I have no answers, only lots of questions. So tell me what you think.

The Bible, The Gospels, Etc

How much is myth? How much is fact? How much is fiction?None of the gospels were actually written firsthand. Most of them were written thirty or forty years after Christ died. Try to write a detailed autobiography of someone you knew thirty years ago (if you’re old enough). How much can you really remember about someone other than yourself?During Catechism, I had serious doubts about the veracity of the stories I was being told about a man, a son of God (Are we not all children of God? Why is he so special?), who had wandered the Earth teaching people about the “true” religion.I could feel potential truth in the idea of the existence of a God, but the stories I was being told struck me as simply that—stories. Not truth. To me they were methods of bringing across important teachings. Yet some people believe J.C. existed, lived. They believe he died at the cross and was reborn. (Which, I may add, is a form of reincarnation, so to all those ardent Christians out there saying Asian religions are utterly wrong, stop to think before speaking. Please.)Was he really reborn? Maybe he just died on the cross and everything else following is fiction. Maybe he was only unconscious when he was taken down, or maybe a conspirator had him drugged to look dead.Maybe he lived a long life, married, had children. What would be so wrong with a life like that, which after all is the kind of life people lead? Having family does not impair your ability to do good. Why do holy people have to be celibate?Like Mary, Jesus’ mother; the virgin mother. She was married. It is impossible that she was a virgin, considering that Jewish tradition dictates that a marriage should be consummated on the very same night the union is formed.And then the poor other Mary: Mary Magdalene, the (supposed) prostitute. Perhaps she was just unlucky enough to fall in love with a man who was supposed to remain celibate, and as she couldn’t have an immaculate conception, she was deemed to be the epitome of all things evil in women.Which Mary are we? (I, for one, cannot conceive without some assistance.)The Church seems to like having a woman to pick on. First, everything is blamed on Eve, then a woman who might have been or would have liked to be involved with Jesus is called a prostitute. (In any case, how dumb must Adam have been?)I am hard-pressed to accept stories from the bible and gospels as true. Perhaps I am the modern Doubting Thomas, or maybe it is the result of a series of disillusionments. I cannot have faith in stories like these. All I can do is have faith in people. After all, who cares what someone did two thousand years ago? The past is dead.

the Miml : part one

The Men In My LifeFrom the young boy in Elementary who used to step on my feet to get my attention, to the latest interest.... So not all men, but there’s no need to be pedantic.First there was V. V for very bad kisser, not for vendetta.I am quite certain it was a combination of alcohol, house party happiness, and my no fail sexy red top that charmed him.It was quite flattering, really, as I had never had any guys pay real attention to me before. I was one of those slow starters, although I do think I made up for it!That was the days when I still wore glasses, hardly wore makeup, didn’t really think about guys... I was sure I was imagining the fact that he was flirting with me until he offered to give me a shoulder massage (an entirely innocent one!).The house party ended at around 6 or 7am, with one very drunk friend telling us he loved us, and V falling asleep beside me, holding my hand. It was very cute and sweet for the first five minutes, and then became dreadfully annoying as I got a cramp in my wrist. But he just wouldn’t let go. (What foreshadowing...)The next time we saw each other we chatted for ages and then randomly we were kissing. I had no clue what I was doing and tried to imitate him. After a short while I broke it off, embarrassed, and told him I had no idea what I was doing. He smiled and said I had done just fine.What a first kiss... outside of a bar in a quiet alleyway, with some of my friends nearby who saw it all. Not very romantic, but I was still excited about it.Anyway, typical summer fling: kissing, holding hands, taking walks, snogging, etc.Except for one thing. He was beginning to plan our future. To plan my return from London on completion of my degree, to plan us visiting each other, going on holidays... With mixed feelings, I left V behind for a month long holiday in Spain with my mother. Realizing how relieved and liberated I felt at being alone, there was only one thing I could do.Yes, I was a coward. I broke up with him by email. What’s worse, is I learned later on that he hadn’t had internet access and when I had texted him to tell him to check his email, and he made a mutual friend of ours check his email and read it aloud to him over the phone. Oops.I did meet up with him after I returned to Milan, before leaving for university.It was awkward.How do you tell a guy who keeps insisting that he doesn’t care if you have cheated on him, that that’s not why you want to break up with him? That it’s really him you don’t want?Poor V... as experienced as he pretended to be, I really was his first real girlfriend. Which is kind of sad, because I don’t even consider it a real relationship.I felt guilty about it all until I saw him again at New Years and he slobbered all over me. Yuck. Is 6 months not enough to get over a 3 week “relationship”?I felt a little friendly towards him until a couple months later I found out he had told our mutual friends that we had had sex (I am quite certain to the contrary).Ah well. It was my first try. I was bound to get it all wrong!

Relationships, Love, And Such Stuff

It’s weird how relationships can shape your life.I’m single again, after nearly six months of being with my first proper boyfriend.Half of me is relieved (he’s moving to Leeds so I would have had to deal with the whole long distance thing); half of me is confused, sad, and empty; a further quarter of me is a little angry; and another third of me doesn’t know how to count.[All those halves and quarters and thirds, reminiscent of an American I met who tried to convince me that she wasn’t American, but half Irish, a quarter Polish, a third Scottish, and two fifths Indian.]Are Nine Inch Nails right? Is love not enough? Or was it even love? How do we ever know if what we are feeling is love? How will we ever know if love does exist? This sounds like a bunch of teenage angst. But hey, I’m still a teenager, and will be for at least another year.What I wanted most was to be happy, and I guess I am. But I also feel disillusioned.Love is really all we have to give to people, and sometimes I wonder if it’s worth it. Because in the end, people can’t help but be selfish. Think about it, even when you are in a relationship, you think you are being selfless by doing things that make your partner happy, but really you’re doing it because making them happy makes you happy. Couldn’t that be considered selfish? At least it’s not a bad kind of selfish because no one is left feeling bad, but still.Surely love should surpass selfishness. So I guess what we felt for each other wasn’t love. That doesn’t mean I can’t be sad about it though. I must be sending of rebound vibes! I have been in London for less than a week and three random guys have given me their numbers. It’s kind of funny, kind of sweet, ego-boosting, but at the same time it makes me feel like a shop.Maybe I should write “open” on my forehead. It would be funny. It wouldn’t really go with my look though.End of another chapter in a girl’s life. La la la.

Roman Catholicism And God And Stuff

Everyone has a different answer on who God is and how he acts. It's like a rat race, everyone trying to convince you that their way is the right way. Surely if there was a God, any path to him would be the right way.Technically, I am a Roman Catholic, having been baptized and done first communion and all that stuff. My whole family is RC, besides my dad who pretends he is Hindu but really doesn't seem to relate to any religion at all.I seem to have become like a lot of Italians however (probably due to me living there for over 13 years). I'm not an ardent believer, I go to church on Easter Sunday and for Midnight Mass and that's about it.It's just, I have a thing against the church itself as an institution. It seems biased. Why is it that women can only be nuns, whilst men can be priests, cardinals, and even popes? That's not fair. God created both of us and by now it should be accepted that women and men are equal. Yet women are still regarded as evil temptresses... after all, didn't Christ die to purge us from our sins? For goodness' sake give women a break!And then the whole confession thing. I hate going to confession. It seems like a way to pay for heaven. You know, go to the priest, act sorry, get a bill of a couple Hail Marys and Our Fathers, and there you go, you're clean as a newborn baby. I am sure many people go to confession without feeling the least bit of regret for their actions. I don't want to talk to the priest. He's a stranger. I don't want to tell him my business. If I do something wrong, I feel regret within myself and I attempt to resolve the situation. I think that's a lot more effective than saying a couple prayers.I just feel that if there is a god, he or she would be within us. We wouldn't need some institution like the Church. You can find forgiveness for your actions within yourself. I am at peace with myself and don't feel the need to go to Church and pray away damnation. It seems a futile excercise.That's another thing I disagree with--the idea of hell. Real hell is your life gone wrong. I don't like the fact that priests and the church keep threatening us to keep us on their side.Also, God said to mankind "be fruitful and multiply." (I don't think he considered the possibility of overpopulation). He wanted us to live our lives. Why then should holy men be celibate? If we are all his children, all equally loved, surely priests would also be allowed to live normal lives, have families. After all they counsel vast numbers of people on how to deal with relationship and family problems--what would they know of these matters, anyway?As a matter of fact, women appear to be able to control their libidos much more than men. Shouldn't that make them better candidates for the positions of power? (A female pope; how shocked people would be. For me the position appears entirely too political.)Continuing on the same vein, why should we need a priest (during confession) to be our messenger, so-to-speak, to God? Surely we should all be able to commune to God individually. If he loves us all equally, why are priests treated as special? To be honest, if God is our teacher and we are his children, religious men appear to be the nerds of the class trying to suck up to the teacher. I understand that many people find comfort in going to the Church, in speaking to priests, and if that makes them happy then they should do it. I understand some priests want to be celibate (however unnatural that seems to me), want to dedicate their lives to God. It's just for me, something doesn't seem quite right.Then again, sometimes I think too much.